How To Know If You Have Burnout - Alan Lazaros

Why He Merged Three Worlds

And then corporate had professional development, but no personal development and a little bit of fitness. And then personal development had a little bit of fitness. And then fitness had like some personal development, but zero professional development whatsoever, like that industry, right? So I wanted to like love child these industries. And so I did. I tried my best, anyways, to be like a fitness guy who also was professionally developed computer engineer mind with personal development too. I don't want to jump up and down like Tony. I'm I'm not interested. I'm an engineer. I think a lot of that's nonsense. But I also love like the fact that he helps so many people, right? So it's yeah, I found my own flavor of it over the last 11 years, and it didn't happen overnight. It's still kind of, I'm still searching for my own unique flavor in it.

Welcome to the Midlife Rebel Podcast. It's time to rewrite the midlife story for women who refuse to be put in a box. Because maybe midlife isn't a crisis. Maybe it's an awakening. Meaning and purpose are two things that keep coming up for me in midlife. There comes a point where what we thought success would feel like doesn't quite land anymore. My guest today, Alan Lazarus, knows this space well. After a life-altering experience, Alan began questioning the path he was on and what success really means. That search has led him into the world of personal growth and the work he does today, helping people create more aligned, meaningful lives. Today he's the founder and CEO of Next Level University, a global top 100 podcast focused on helping people reach their potential across health, wealth, and love. Great to have you here, Alan. I appreciate your time.

Thank you for having me. This has been a pleasure so far, genuinely. And you listened to an episode earlier of my show, so I feel very uh appreciated and respected in that. So thank you for having me. I remember when it was crickets 11 years ago. So thank you to anyone listening as well.

Yeah, I I really appreciate your time and I appreciate the uh the journey that we go on as podcasters. So um I I congratulate your success in that arena.

Thank you. When you say uh we have 2382 episodes, when you say that to someone who's a podcaster, they have your reaction you just had right there, which is what? If you say it to someone who isn't a podcaster, they go, nice, like good for you. You know. Only podcasters know what that means. Um, and usually people say, what, like two-minute episodes, like micro content. I'm like, no, these are our averages 25 minutes. Yeah, that's a lot of that's a lot of episodes.

How many years have you been running for?

11. Nine. Nine. Okay. So 11, I started my company. Uh-huh. And then nine, I partnered with Kev. Kev was the one that you, my co-host and business partner. Yeah, cool. Yeah.

Loss, Money Shifts, And Overachieving

All right. Do you want to kick us off with a bit about your personal story? What you led, what led you here to what you're doing today, and then we'll sort of dig into the nuts and bolts of what you do and how it can help people.

Yeah. Absolutely. So I'll try to condense. So I'm 37. I was born in 1988, born and raised in Massachusetts. Have you ever been? No. No? Okay. I've been to Australia.

I've been to I've been to LA.

Oh, okay. Nice. Yeah. Yeah. Very different than Massachusetts for sure. Yeah. I lived in LA for a time. Best worst place ever. I'm kidding. All right.

So Yeah, you know, we I I competed in the CrossFit Games back in a few years ago. Yeah, yeah. 2009, 10, and 11. So a few years ago now, but yeah, that was the reason that I went. I don't know if I think it was a holiday destination necessarily. Good for you. Yeah. Was that amazing? It was pretty intense. Yeah, but it's good. We were like, yeah, in the beginning, you know, it was like when before it got really big, it it was just starting to kind of take off when we did that.

The Car Crash That Reset Everything

So yeah, some of those I watch CrossFit Motivation all the time. Oh, do you? Uh for my fitness motivation. Yes. I mean, it's just unbelievable what what these people are capable of. So it's cool. I'm not a CrossFitter, but I I watch it for motivation for sure. Cool. Um, just animals, love it. So uh sorry, I interrupted your um. So we were just um your Massachusetts. Massachusetts. Yep. Born and raised in Massachusetts. Uh born and raised in the CrossFit games. I'm joking. All right, born and raised in Massachusetts and uh 1988. So I'm 37 now, and I'm gonna try to condense my life into a short period here, but started out in tragedy. Um birth father was John McCorkle, Jim Joe, John, Jane Joan, Jeanette, six kids, all J. And John was my dad. And unfortunately, when I was almost three, my sister was almost six, my mom was 31, he was 28. Everything's numbers for me. I'm an engineer, so everything's numbers for me. Uh unfortunately, he tragically died in a car accident, like kind of out of nowhere. And um, so that was a tough start. I had a stepfather named Steve Lazarus. I took his last name, I think around age seven. So from age three to fourteen, so 1992 to the early 2000s, and then he left my family at 14. And my mom and stepdad, I playfully refer to this part of my life as boats in BS. And the reason why we had Ducati motorcycles, snowmobiles, grew up on a lake. We had boats and ski trips, and mom drove a BMW, and we it was the dot-com bubble in Massachusetts. He worked for a company called Agfa, AGFA. They did hospital computers during the dot-com era, so economic boom times in the 90s, and we were a part of that. And when he left, he took 90% of the income with him. So we went from like boats and ski trips to I get free lunch at school now uh because our income is so low. My mom trades in her BMW for a little Honda Civic. Uh, I we don't have cable, we're not gonna starve, but it's I don't know how I'm gonna go to college. I I went from my hope I get in to even if I do get in, I can't go because we can't afford it type of thing. My dream college was WPI, Worcestershire Polytechnic Institute. It's like a mini MIT in Massachusetts engineering school, and it was 50 grand a year. This is back then. Yeah, so I bootstrapped. So I had two trauma responses in hindsight to him leaving. One was Fawn, which you become this sort of social chameleon. Don't lose any more friends and family, don't lose any more friends and family, don't lose any more friends and family. Because at that time, stepdad left, took his entire extended family with him. We didn't associate much with the McCorcals anymore because they're trying to be the Lazaruses. And then my mom gets in a fight with my Aunt Sandy, her sister, we get ostracized from her side of the family, all in that same year. The year my stepdad left was the same year my mom and Aunt Sandy got in a fight. I've only seen or spoken to on both my stepdad's side and my mom's side, I've only seen or spoken to two human beings since I was 14 years old from either one. So the abandonment issues were there for sure. Didn't know that at the time. So that was my I became this sort of social chameleon fit in, fit in, fit in. Behind the scenes, when no one was around, it was fight, it was aim higher, work harder, get it smarter. It was like super achiever type of guy. Uh so I got straight A through all of high school, got into college, all the scholarships and financial aid I could get, computer engineering degree, masters in business, off the races in corporate tech company, tech company, tech company, global one percent earner. Thought that would you know solve things, and it did, it was, it was good, but then I got in my car accident. So I'm 26, my fault. I'm up in New Hampshire, crossed the double yellows, head-on collision with a lift kitted pickup truck. Fortunately, no one was killed because it would have been my fault. Uh, no one was permanently damaged. The yield sign was covered by the snowbanks, and I crossed the double yellows, hit a lift kitted pickup truck, it went up and over my car. Fortunately, I was driving a 2004 Volkswagen Passat that I bought in five grand cash. I used to call it the tank, the German-engineered steel trap of a car. I literally called it the tank and safest car ever. And so no one was killed. Fortunately, that car totally saved my life, so thank you, Volkswagen. But anyway, so I'm 26 at this time. My second cousin, Dan, is in the car, and he he was not really that phased by it because we were okay. The other guy was okay too, he was pissed, but okay. And for me, this was like my quarter life crisis. This was the second chance my dad never got. And so that's when I found personal development, self-improvement, and personal growth. That's 11 years ago when I started Alan Lazarus LLC, what you'll never learn in school, but desperately need to know. That was the tagline. And that was 11 years ago. And I I just I quit corporate, I started my own thing, and I went broke for for a while there. And now we have a 24-person team and 2300 episodes and uh 130 paying clients. We produce 86 podcasts now. Um, wow, I have 28 one-on-one business clients now, which is cool. We have a group coaching program and masterclass, all kinds of stuff. So it's it's gotten big now. But at the beginning, it was really hard. And I think the the turning point for me is I had a quarter life crisis when I was 26. And I feel like a lot of people don't have that that young. I've since found out. So I'm grateful that I was able to reshape myself and reshape my life into what it is today because this will be the last piece. Uh I, in hindsight, it's very clear that I wasn't reaching my full potential. Oh, and it's even clearer that that was eating away at me. I was successful in everyone else's eyes, and I was super successful. I mean, I paid off 84 grand worth of college debt in a single year. I had 150 grand in Vanguard, different stocks, tech companies that I knew would win. I say no, in quotes, because no one knows, but I understand tech, and I was successful, you know, beautiful girlfriend, tons of friends, high school friends, college friends, corporate friends, but like live in the dream. Yeah, living the dream, right? Exactly. But unfulfilled, internally unfulfilled. And it's like, okay, I achieved a lot of my dreams, and I was broke before, and now I'm definitely not. Um and I'm still pretty unfulfilled, so that can't be the answer. And that's when I flipped the script and I went all in on um personal development.

Cool. I'd love that even though your story's different and you're younger than the um the listeners uh of the Midlife Red Rebel podcast, you're not quite there yet. You're not, but the story of that kind of the crisis, you know, where everything on the outside seems to be hunky-dory, you know, you're living the dream, but there's this sense of um yeah, that there's no fulfillment or there's something more, something better. That's a real that's a real feeling that we have when we reach midlife. And I think I've spoken to women who are in business, who are in leadership, who have that feeling as well. And with it comes a whole bunch can come a whole bunch of probably guilt. Like, why am I not why am I feeling this way? Do you did you have any of that experience? Um I've got everything that I've got to do kind of thing.

Yeah, I think that there's definitely the there's a little bit of why aren't I more grateful for like I mean, I've achieved uh, you know my mom, I remember her saying that. She's like, What do you mean? You you you did it, you know, you have the American dream. Yeah, like why would you give that up? And I remember thinking, I'm gonna go for something bigger. Oh, but there was definitely a little bit of that, like I got to where most people are trying to get. And no one could understand why I wanted to risk all of that to go for what I am now, who I am now, what what we've built. But this is what provided me solace is I I told uh these people back then, keep it anonymous, I had to risk 65 to go for 85k a year. I had to risk 85k a year to go for 105, I had to risk 105 to go to 120, I had to risk 120 to go to 180. I peaked at 180 in corporate, and I've far exceeded that now, fortunately. But to me, it was like I think I felt a little guilty because I had the dream that everyone wanted, quote unquote, and and the dream that my mom had tried to help me achieve too. And then I was gonna give all that up. I now realize in hindsight they didn't know that I was giving it up to grow up, and I was giving it up to get go for something bigger. And I now realized no one knew and no one trusted. I mean, I was a fitness model, fitness competitor, fitness coach, like no engineers just suddenly become fitness models. Like I did 43 photo shoots, you did the CrossFit stuff. So I did men's physique competitions, I've got the the bodybuilding trophies back here. People couldn't be like, what the hell are you doing? Right. And they probably figured I did have a midlife crisis, but I was living the dream. I but I had a bigger and better dream now. And I started coaching and like you're a podcaster now, you're a bodybuilder now. I mean, I got made fun of by everybody, right? So and nobody laughs now. The man's gonna bad now. I've made it, right? Yeah, and that's so funny too. It's like, I don't need you to believe in me now. I needed it back then, you dingus, right? It's like the first two years where I just feel like I cried regularly because all my friends were like so mean, not all of them, but some of them. Um, they just make fun of you because you seem nuts to them. Yeah. And and in hindsight, I kind of understand that now because there are some people that actually are pretty delusional and aren't actually gonna, you know, put in the work. Um, but yeah, so there's definitely some of that guilt piece, but the only wrong answer is to not like search for fulfillment, like keep searching.

Yeah.

When you so when you started on your journey of um self-development, personal development, and you started your business, how quickly did all of that happen? Like, did you find something or someone that you started listening to, following, learning from, and then you go, I want to do this. Like, how long was that um process?

Health Wealth Love And The PMES Model

Well, I think the duality, right? So on one hand, it was 11 years, yeah, and then on the other hand, it it happened inside of me pretty quick.

Okay.

So after the car accident, I reevaluated my existence, literally. Um, and I decided, okay, well, I just faced mortality, and if that was it, I would not have been proud of the man I became. So it's time to re-reevaluate, reassess. Greg Plitt was a fitness model back then. He was a motivational speaker. He he's since passed away. I think he died at 36, which back was back in 2015, I think. Um, so he he had a career sort of ish, like what I wanted. But then, like, so if if Greg Plitt and Tony Robbins, this is one thing that I noticed, and I now realize I'm a weirdo with this. I never understood why corporate didn't have more personal development. And I never understood why personal development didn't have more professional development, and I never understood why personal development didn't have more fitness. It's it was so weird to me. Like I would meet these unbelievably intelligent people, you know, multi-millionaires. And it's like project management, six sigma, three defects per million. Like, why are you why are you overweight? Like, why didn't you dial this brain into your fitness too? You take better care of your pores than your own body. And it's like, what how unintelligent is that? I I for me, it was it never made any sense why some of the smartest people I've ever met like neglect the most important thing, which is health. But then again, I did for a time, right? So I that was what it was for me more than anything, is I knew that I wanted my own unique flavor of Tony Robbins and Greg Plitt, but I knew it needed to be holistic. I knew it had to have fitness and so health, wealth, and love. I I used to say, beware of the the old miserable bald guy in the in the red BMW. Like just don't, yeah. See, it's funny because I met a lot, I had a lot of coaches and mentors in corporate, and some of them were the most successful people in the world. And the statistically, and I was like, you are you neglected your body for the last 25 years, you got divorced, you're obviously not happy. Like, I can't do that. But I also saw the other walk of life that like didn't have a career and they didn't have a resume and they didn't have a LinkedIn, and they they were like really unsuccessful. So I met these people that were like unsuccessful but sort of heart-driven and and sort of loved their life, but like couldn't sustain it. And then I re met these really successful people that like neglected their health and their family, and it was like, why what and then corporate had professional development, but no personal development and a little bit of fitness, and then personal development had a little bit of fitness, and then fitness had like some personal development, but zero per professional development whatsoever, like that industry, right? So I wanted to like love child these industries, and so I did. I I try my best, anyways, to be like a fitness guy who also was professionally developed computer engineer mind with personal development too. I don't want to jump up and down like Tony. I I'm I'm not interested. I'm an engineer, I think a lot of that's nonsense. But I also love like the fact that he helps so many people, right? So it's yeah, I found my own flavor of it over the last 11 years, and it didn't happen overnight. It's still kind of I'm still searching for my own unique flavor in it.

Yeah, I've I can resonate with that actually because I've worked, I've worked for many years as a personal trainer, but I know how much the the mindset and the the spiritual side of it and the internal dialogue and all of those sorts of things play a really massive role in how we perform, uh, you know, and how we feel about ourselves. And and yeah, that it's like you can kind of see those intersections of different things and how that how they play out and definitely personal development as well as as part of that fitness process. That that that's really what it's all about, is because you're learning about your you're learning about like how you approach a workout, how you approach you know building muscle or like working towards a competition. There's so much psychological stuff in there.

I know it's the best. Yeah, that's why when you mentioned the CrossFit thing, it's like, okay, that tells me something. Because you don't go to the CrossFit games unless you're out of your mind, like in the best way. I mean, these these people are like athletes, yeah. And the it's the mindset and the and the grit and the perseverance. And I I used to have this thing called PMES. I have to make sure I enunciate on that one, but uh physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. So the four parts of our nature physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. I saw some people who completely neglected the physical. And then I saw other people who were physical specimens but didn't had the emotional, you know, bandwidth of a teaspoon. It's a Harry Potter quote, it's funny. Uh, but and then, and then some people that were super spiritual, but they didn't have any career.

Right.

And then some people had this great career, but they weren't connected. And so I was like, okay, I'm gonna try the my best to merge them all and be a holistically best version of me, and not the fortune cookie quote. I'm talking like every single day, try to get better. Like I ran a mile this morning, um, and we weight trained after, and then it was like, you know, mindset stuff and and Now it's this. So every single day you can just you you gotta train in all those different areas, though. And most people are really good at one of them. It's very hard to be good at a lot of things. So I picked three health, wealth, and love. And yeah, physical, mental, emotional, spiritual is so four. But um, you make a good point. I think the PMES thing is physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. We all have all four, but one is usually really underdeveloped. Oh, underdeveloped. Yeah, and one's really dominant. Yep. Mine is M. It's really dominant, very analytical. So mental. For me, I'm most people would call me mental. I don't know if they say that in Australia. It's like he's mental. Yeah. Um, but I'm super analytical. So I that was overly developed. So I'm an M P E S. So mental, physical, emotional, spiritual was last. Okay. Then I went through like a very Wayne Dyer phase. Yeah. You know, Wayne, yeah. Okay. So I went through that phase and then I realized, okay, this isn't me. Like it's good, and it was good for me to explore. I'm a Taurus, but I'm not going to move in. And then I think over time you get back to your true nature, which is M. I'm an engineer first. I'm an athlete second. Um, I'm an emotionally connected belonging person third, and I'm a monk fourth.

But it's also having an awareness of those things, isn't it? And like working through that and seeing what does and doesn't work for you rather than just going, oh, well, that's just the way I am. Like actually, of course, delving into those different areas of your life and then going, This is who I am.

Yeah.

Well, because otherwise you're just defaulting.

Exactly.

Fulfilment Versus Regret As A Compass

It's like you we don't wake up in life. We're not born into this world, like I know who I am. No, it you you go out in life and I think you have an essence. And I think little, little, little kids probably do know who they are more than adults, ironically. But then we like go explore. And you try stuff, and you're like, and you fail, and you get pain and fulfillment and regret and all the stuff. And then you're like, okay, no, definitely not. I like that. So you learn who you are through trial and error, and and hopefully studying too. You shouldn't just do it through trial and error. But I think that that's that's why I think regret and fulfillment are the best teachers. That's what I always say is I re-watch the movie of my life every single year, probably every day in some ways. Um, I wake up just thinking about the past and what I want to do differently and how it actually drives me nuts sometimes. But um I'm Allen version 3.7, is what I say. So I'm 37. So way smarter than Allen version 2.7, way smarter than Allen version 1.7, but not as smart as 3.8 or 3.9. And so I rewatched the trajectory of my life over and over and over and over and over again. And I have a therapist named Carol who also helps me with that, but it helps me realize all the patterns of where I was and wasn't aligned. I think fulfillment is the inevitable byproduct of alignment, and I think regret is the inevitable byproduct of misalignment. Like, but here's the problem: most people don't admit regret. Right. Regret is a teacher trying to tell you something. If every time you have dinner with that person, you on the drive home, you're like, wow, I regret that. Stop. Stop having dinner with that person. Like, I would just keep no, they're fine. It's totally fine. No, stop. Just you you get one life, right? Like, that's one thing that I think older people know is they're like, you know what, they're so good at elimination, they don't have time for that shit. It's like they they have all the cheat codes. Older people, like Emily and I, we talk about like people in their 60s, 70s, and 80s, they know the deal. You go to the movies at 11 a.m. Right? You you go and no one else is around. You you do go for a walk when it's raining because no one else is out. They have all the like secret cheat codes. So like they they treat themselves like famous people, like you go in the back of the mall, you know, you don't want to be around anyone, they just want to be at peace. And it's like, why not learn that as a 37-year-old?

Well, it's all part of the process, isn't it?

Like we all we all keep doing it, and an older person could tell you exactly all of the things on the cheat code, but you're still gonna go, they don't know what they're talking about until you get there.

Until you get there. Yeah, yeah. Hopefully you learn it faster than they did, right? That's one of the things I should be asking you questions. Tell me, tell me what landmine's not to step up.

I feel like I'm right slap bang in the middle. I don't have a cheat code yet either.

I'm sure you got at least half of them.

Definitely go don't drink coffee after lunchtime and go to bed early. Oh, you know it, you know it. Yeah, you already threw well.

You don't know. You don't know. Uh you don't know shit. I'm kidding.

Essentialism For Burnout And Boundaries

Uh I'm really curious because obviously we are at different phases of our lives. And although you had that big turning point in your early 20s, that quarter life crisis, as you call it, um, and us women in midlife, women specifically, I think, because you're talking about, you know, like putting in the time and and like I have no um problem with any of the things that you're doing and the the amount of work you put into being successful in your life and your work. But there is a difference when there's a a woman who is current potentially career driven, but she's also taking care of a family. She's uh, you know, so she's got responsibilities outside of work. Um, we got that, you know, magic word burnout that many women um experience. When they're just trying to, you know, they they do feel like they're trying to do all of the things. And you're a coach. Yeah, of course. I wonder if you have those kind of clients. Oh, yeah. My coach is a 63-year-old woman. Okay. And what you know, what might be different for them and the way that you coach them compared to another 37-year-old, you know, man in the prime of his life.

Well, I think I think you well, I don't know. I hope this isn't my prime. I'm hoping for the 40s and 50s to be better than that. Every year is the prime the prime. Yeah, you know, you know, every year's the prime. I was like, I didn't even say my career when I was a kid, my career won't even start till I'm 50. No one even knew Steve Jobs until he was 50. You know, that's what I used to say.

I actually said to my dad when I was uh about 18 and he didn't want me to go into university, I was like, Dad, I might not even make it until I'm 50. Right. I have that. You said that I was saying the opposite.

I was saying my career won't even start till 50.

Okay. Well, yeah, I was kind of even that as well.

Like, I'm just doing it.

Yeah, gotta get after it.

Yeah, you gotta get after it. Time's a ticking. But uh to your point there, I I have coached so over the last 11 years, uh, our early listeners were mostly women, actually.

Okay.

We were surprised by that. We were a couple bodybuilder bros. We didn't understand. And we both grew up with women, and he didn't, so Kevin and I didn't have a dad. So my dad died at two, stepdad left at 14, his dad left when he was young. He didn't meet his dad until he was 27.

Wow.

The Whisper Becomes A Scream

So, what we've since found out from external feedback by women is that we have a uh different energy because we both grew up without dads, without fathers. I don't know what that means necessarily. I do feel it, I do feel different than most men for whatever that means. Uh, but anyway, so so what do you say? First of all, every principle we've even talked about here, Kevin and I joke, he's a podcaster who tolerates coaching, I'm a coach who tolerates podcasting. Now, why I say that is because one-on-one, I love it because I'm customizing everything I'm saying to just you. Because the optimal stopping problem, too much, too little, it's the the Goldilocks thing. The principles apply to all of us. But how you apply those principles is predicated on your circumstances, your age, your height, your weight, your genetics, your culture, the country you live in, the amount of debt you're in. Like everything, every strategy that you gamify needs to be predicated on your unique goals, dreams, circumstances, the whole nine. So it needs to be put into your context. So that's why podcasts are so hard. Because the first thing I asked you is who's your listener? But even that, it's not like you have one listener. So you're casting a wide net, it's very challenging, which is also why you get all these platitudes with a lot of these like bigger podcasts. Um, and again, that's fine. It's just it can't be custom. The the medicine that cures one patient will kill another. But for the specific midlife female who wears every hat, because now you don't you gotta you do it all, you gotta do it all now. Yeah, and you don't have to do anything, but I it's it's crazy. Uh have you ever seen a documentary called Fair Play? No, so it's based on a book, and it talks, it's particularly um the US, but I know that it's a global issue, is in the 21st century, women are the expectations on women are like insane. And fair play is like husband and wife, traditional. Can we actually like be 50-50 in the home? And they would interview these couples, and and the man, you know, the woman would say, uh, you know, how much do you believe you contribute to the household? And she'd say, Ah, at least, at least 70%. And the man would say the same thing. And it would be like, and then they tracked their time, not a chance. It was the woman was always 70%, the man was doing like five percent and didn't know it. I'm I'm exaggerating, but it's it's brutal. And so Emilia and I, we've talked like not here, that ain't it. Like we're you know, co-CEOs of the household, right? And yes, we do run the house like a military base, honestly. But my point is if you're the the midlife woman out there who feels like she's doing everything for everyone else all the time. I the martyr has to stop. The the the low self-worth, the the you are trying to take care of everyone and everything all the time is actually stopping you from investing in the asset, which is you. And it it worked and it it's wonderful and heart-driven. I understand. I was a martyr too in my own way, uh, trying to bring everybody with me, but you're gonna have to flip that script at some point. So I'll I'll use this briefly. Victim villain hero guide is the archetype of all stories. And I use Harry Potter because most people know it, and amazing. But so Harry Potter was a victim. So so low self-belief, low self-worth, parents killed, you know, just struggling, living underneath the staircase of his uncle and aunt's, you know, house, and they're obviously atrocious human beings. The villain is inflated self-worth. You think you're amazing. You know those people who think they're amazing with just by default, they just think they're the best. And it's like, yo, you were awesome in high school, like stop, right? Um, high school's been over for like 30 years. You're like, do something with yourself, okay? They just think they're better than other people, they have the nose-up crap. Um, that's inflated self-worth and low self-belief. And if you ever want to know who those people are, all you have to do is ask yourself a simple question. Why would someone with level 10 confidence have level two goals? Uh it's all fake. It's all fake. Okay, those are my least favorite people. I call them the spoiled brats or the bullies. Uh, but moving on. So the hero is to answer your question, the hero has high self-belief, what's known as self-efficacy, and low self-worth. That was me. Okay. The hero is trying to save everyone, trying to make sure everyone else is good. And a lot of women find themselves in this archetype because the whole thing will crumble without them. And the truth is it will. And you don't want to watch your family suffer or your loved ones suffer. But you're taking on the burdens of everyone else to try to keep everyone growing. And the guide is where I finally worked on becoming when I finally started to have self-worth and build it. And we have a formula to build it. Keep the promises you make yourself, invest in yourself. It's a whole bunch. Courage, social courage, call out the bullies. Um, the guide is high self-belief, high self-worth. The guide is when Harry Potter breaks the elder wand and throws it away. And he's enough as he is. Now, and Ron's like, no, no, no, no, that's the elder wand. It's because Ron's still a hero, he he doesn't believe in himself. He's like, no, no, but that's the elder one. Um, the point is, though, is is the victim's story is I need saving. The villain is F you, I'm gonna get mine. The hero is I can save you. And the guide is no one can save you. I can guide you, but only you can save you. So I can write a book and you can buy it. I can be on a podcast and you can listen. I can coach you if you sign up, but I can't go out of my way, bring my boat into the storm and crash amongst the rocks with you. I can be a lighthouse that can guide you to the harbor. And you finally learn over time. Fortunately, I learned this at 26 after my car accident, that you can't martyr yourself to try to make sure everyone else is successful. And I realized that I believed in people more than they believed in themselves, and that was a huge L because you want, you see potential in everyone. You see potential in everyone. I see so much potential in people. And you know what else you see? Squandered potential. I see squandered potential everywhere, and it pisses me off. So, what did I do? I tried to help everyone reach their potential and it almost killed me. And so, anyone out there who's in that place, it's time to increase your self-worth, invest in yourself, and hope that you lead by example and that that will be enough.

Yeah, it's very tricky. I feel like like when you're talking about the the midlife woman and the martyrdom situation, I don't know, I feel like we've got ourselves into a bit of a pickle with um, you know, this this whole movement towards equality where women feel like they need to demonstrate and they have got women have got the capability and the skills and the strength and um power to to do really well in in their careers, but and and so yeah, it's a it's really really difficult to kind of you know be the mum, be the parent. That's you know, something that they may strive to be really good at as well, but also not lose themselves in it. Yeah um and yeah, how do you how do you help someone unpack that?

Want Love Hate Framework And Wrap

One of the things I always say one is too few and five is too many. One of the other reasons why I've found, and I've coached women for years, we coach couples too. I've I coach four couples right now, okay, uh, Emilia and I. And one of the things that I've found is that if you're trying to be really good at 15 things, you're screwed.

Yeah.

Like you're and trust me, this is Mr. Self-belief. Like, I had so much self-belief. I was like, I'm gonna be good at basketball and soccer, and I'm gonna be an engineer. I'm also gonna snowboard on the side, I'm gonna play pickup basketball too. I'm gonna be intramurals, I'm gonna be everyone's friend. High school friends to college, college friends to corporate, corporate friends. It was the worst. That's why my life sucked, honestly. I was friends with everybody, high school friends, college friends, corporate friends, thriving social life. I was at every barbecue, 12 fraternities, five sororities, worst idea ever. One of my friends in college said, You are the most popular man on this campus. And at the time I thought it was a compliment. And I look back and I realized that was a terrible way to live. I was everything for everyone. Seriously, like it was too much. And now I'm my life's significantly more boring. I had a blasty blast back then, but I'm actually fulfilled, and so you're not gonna be great at 15 things, it's time to grow up. Like I'm talking to myself. I wanted to be great at everything, and I think some people don't believe in themselves, they don't think they can be great at anything. That's a different conversation. But if you are an empowered woman who's like amazing, and you're trying to be amazing at laundry and amazing at cooking and amazing in your career, and amazing in bed, and amazing, you know, and amazing in the gym, and be like it's you gotta narrow. Pick a couple, three things. I do health, wealth, and love. And again, you don't, I'm not gonna talk from some mountaintop by any means, but this is the this is what I have it boiled down to as someone who wanted to do everything well. I haven't, you know, I don't I don't play basketball anymore. Like occasionally I'll shoot the ball, play soccer on a whim, but like not, I'm not in any team sports where I'm like I'm narrow. I I've had it's called essentialism. You've read the book Essentialism by Gregory McKeon. Oh for the ladies out there, okay, read this book. I've had I have a client named Christy. She reads this book every year just out of necessity. She's got five kids, she's awesome, she's a business owner. She just needs to essentialize her life constantly. Get really good at eliminating, automating, delegating, and procrastinating. And I mean get good at procrastinating the stuff that's not aligned, particularly the barbecues with the relatives you don't like. I'm kidding. All right, so um, health, wealth, and love. Health is physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. We already talked about that, which is a full-time job in and of itself. Yep. Physical, mental, emotional, spiritual. We have something called the we pillars. 15, uh, 12, 12, 12 pillars. Mindfulness, belonging, sleep, hydration, nutrition, training, mobility, breath. So you can zoom into health and you can make it a whole thing. Supplementation, breath work, like fitness is a full-time job. Okay, health. Boom. Wealth, how you earn money, do is it fulfilling for you? Does it charge you or drain you? Not always, but yeah. Is it is it fulfilling? How much do you earn? Is it increasing or decreasing based on the economy? I always say people get offended by this, but you know, it's a metaphor. Don't sell horses once cars are invented. I love horses too. It's a metaphor. Um, and then the the third one is where do you invest your money? Not spend it, but invest it. And some of it needs to be invested in self. And then the third one is love, which is your intimate relationship, your immediate family, your extended family, your clients, colleagues, mentors, mentees, the whole nine acquaintances. You've got to narrow these and keep yourself, protect yourself from yourself. I have gotten so good at saying no. I had to. I said yes to everything back in the day. Can you come to this? Yes. Can you do yes? It was the worst. Yes, I had a ton of friends. Yes, I had a lot of fun, but I wasn't achieving my goals and dreams. And I was, I was, I I I always say I was too little butter spread across too much bread. And I think that most people, particularly women, because they are so amazing and they are so good at everything, and everyone depends on them for everything. You've got to be very careful of that.

Yeah, yeah. Very good, good tips. Um, I'm conscious that we're getting close to the end of our time together. I've just got one more question, and it is also related to this whole, you know, how midlife women sort of overcome some of these obstacles at this time of our lives. Um and this is something I'm kind of asking myself at the moment, and I wonder if you have come across this with your with the people you work with. Um, it's like, how do we un how do we know what's us and what's been expected of us? How do we start to determine um who we really are and what we're really here to do?

Yep, the fulfillment. Fulfillment, uh, see, it's different than pleasure, it's different than happiness.

Okay.

Are you happy? Fulfillment is a feeling, fulfillment is the emotional signal telling you you are in alignment. You're in, you're engaged in and investing in persons, places, things, and ideas that are in alignment. And I think that the opposite of that is regret. And I think that when you start listening to that, I would say the whisper will eventually become a scream. So For me, alcohol. I used to drink I drank in high school and then a lot in college, and then more not more, but like I kept it it it drove too. Yeah, yeah, it was consistent, it was persistent as well. Yeah, um, I partied, you know, hard. And every single time toward the tail end there, I I quit. Uh the last drink I had was June 29th of 2019.

I gave up drinking four years ago too. Good for you.

Yeah, yeah. Life changing. Unbelievable. Isn't it crazy how like you keep feeling better and better?

Yeah, yeah.

It's like four months in, and you're like, oh my god, I'm even clearer. It's it's crazy. It's like I thought it would be all out of my system by now. So yeah, it's wild. But as someone who used to party, like it's unbelievable if you ever want to quit. But anyways, so what was my point of that? Sorry, I interrupted you again. Fulfillment. We were talking the whisper. Yeah. Yes. Yeah, the whisper was towards the tail end the last few years. Because I always joke, it took me five years to quit drinking because I kept falling off at weddings.

Yeah.

Social anxiety, it's like open bar, one, two, four, eight. Oh, after party, after, after party, right? Weddings were the problem. I was the problem, right? But, anyways, so uh there, but the next day there'd be that whisper like, you need to stop this. Like, this isn't this isn't aligned anymore. I know you had fun, I know it was great, I know you you grew up around it, whatever. Excuse, excuse, excuse. Like this needs to stop. The reason the car accident changed my life is because the whispers became a screen. And it wasn't like, hey, Alan, you should consider stopping. It was like, yo, you need to stop this now. Because that could have been it. So for anyone out there who wants to know whether or not they're in alignment, your mind, body, heart, and soul is trying to tell you through fulfillment or regret. The problem is we keep telling ourselves a story of like, oh no, it's supposed to be hard. It is, it is, it's supposed to be hard. I'm with you, but like that doesn't mean it's aligned. If it's not meaningful and if it's not fulfilling, it's probably not in alignment with your essence and who you really are. That doesn't mean you don't have to do hard things. I call it the want, love, hate framework. Last thing want, love, hate framework, want more clients, love one-on-one coaching, hate social media. This is me. Yeah, okay. Everyone laughs at that one because it's like same. How entitled am I? I want to work from home. I want clients from all over the world, but I don't want to post on social media. It's like you gotta do things you hate. I'm with you, but don't design your life around it. I want to start a social media company. Like, no, okay. So want, love, hate, want to be in great shape, love weight training, hate dieting, hate it, absolutely hate it. But I have to do it. So the gold is buried where you least want to dig. Yes, you have to do things you hate. However, don't design your life around the things you hate. Try to design your life around the things that fulfill you up. And that doesn't mean you always want to do it. Last, last, last, last, last. You don't know you love someone or something because you always want to do it. You know you love someone or something because you are always glad you did. This was a challenging episode, especially in the beginning. It's a little out of breath. It's been a long day, I was a little late, you were super kind, but I'm fulfilled after it. Yeah, I put it all on the court, I tried really hard, and it was I didn't necessarily want to do it. I did, but like not right before. I was like, oh no, you know, but I'm always glad I did. Yeah, I'm always glad I did. That's when you know that you're fulfilled, is when you're glad you did, versus if I got off this and I regretted it, I'd have to uh ask myself whether or not I should reach back out to Nadine or not ever again. Which I am fulfilled, so we're good.

Yeah, good, great. That's great tips, thank you. I really appreciate it. And I could keep asking questions, but I'm very mindful of your time. I know you're you're in the middle of uh a continuing work day. Um I really appreciate your time. It's been really insightful and um really helpful for for the listeners, I'm sure. Thank you so much for joining me.

You're so very welcome. The birds are cheering for us. Oh they can hear them in the background for you. They're cheering for us.

That is. You know it. You know it.

Um thank you so much, Nadine, for having me. I really appreciate it. And thank you for anyone who listened because it's a noisy 21st century.

You're right.

Um thank you for taking your platform so seriously. This was great.

Thank you. Hey there, Rebel. Thank you for listening to this episode of the Midlife Rebel Podcast. If you'd like to support the show, you can buy me a coffee by going to Buy MeACoffee forward slash Midlife Rebel Podcast. Thanks for listening.